i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
