On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
