Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I want her autograph on my taint
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Someone came in the potted fern
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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