Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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