Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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