remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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