just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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