when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
