God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
