So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
