it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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