hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
