I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
