No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
