Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
