Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
did i walk over a car last night?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
