I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
