And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
