I hate your face
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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