i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
