I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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