I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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