So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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