I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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