my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
