i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
