the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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