I just pynch a tree in the face
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
