I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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