ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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