the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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