God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you would pick up someone in the library
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
