I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
