mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
