end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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