I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
