I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
