What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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