Dude my mom stole all your condoms
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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