I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
