first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
