It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
