Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
