That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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