Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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