i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
