Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
