so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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