did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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