i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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