I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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