I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
