He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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